I feel completely stuck, I'm exhausted and I don't even want to pretend at being positive anymore, people always tell you to be positive or to have a positive attitude as if that can somehow magically alter the reality in which we live, I'm sick of being positive, I've been forcing myself to be positive for years, it makes no impact on anything whatsoever. People will also tell you to be honest, this one I think has more potential, granted it's not possible to be both truthful and honest so people might not necessarily be happy with you but the truth is that people are never happy with you and this is for reasons far too complex and numerous to get into here mostly can fall under categories of ignorance or a genuine lack of concern for other human beings in general. So anyway my truth at present I suffer from depression, I have since childhood and for a long while I was beating it. my methods for managing it are no longer effective and I can no longer do much to stave off a crash. People will say do something that makes you love or makes you happy. Seriously fuck those people they clearly have no clue what depression is. A person who is depressed can spend a whole damn day doing every thing that they love in a room full of puppies and still not feel any different at the end of the day, depression is not a person refusing to feel joy, depression is a person's brain refusing to reward them with any glimmer of positive feeling for efforts made. depression is life made meaningless not because life is meaningless but because the depressed person cannot feel that there is meaning even if they normally would or if they intellectually know something has meaning, the person is cut off from being able to have their positive feelings. I no longer believe that depression can be beat only that it weakens or lifts on it's own just enough that some of that obnoxious positive thinking can take it's place for awhile. Granted that hasn't stopped me from seeking out professional help, I'm by nature an optimist (yes people who think optimistically can get depression too, it's easy every time you have a positive thought another voice in your head calls bullshit or tells you that you're being delusional) and really I feel like being positive is pretty delusional right now, I don't have fulfilling relationships with others, any clear purpose to my continued existence pretty much every thing in my life that isn't art has been a complete waste of time, and even motivating myself to do art is difficult. In a lot of ways I feel dead already, and that's another thing that depression does to you, you become amazed that people don't die from sheer emotional exhaustion, because when you spend months always wearing down and never regaining anything that fact that you don't just drop dead and fade away is pretty weird.